i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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