Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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