I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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