so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I had to cum in my sink.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
