I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
