i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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