I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
