i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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