I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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