I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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