I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
