the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
