I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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