I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
