They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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