When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
The ass gains better be worth it
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