I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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