From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
