I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
