That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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