I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
