Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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