you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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