I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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