the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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