Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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