quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
