This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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