i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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