so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
