I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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