I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
