she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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