Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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