I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
