im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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