I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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