Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
