I wish I only lived at night.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
