While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
