Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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