Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
