I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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