The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
