That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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