I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
