we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
