Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
