my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
