If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
