saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
