i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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