fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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