I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
