Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
