So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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