loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
