Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
