For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
